OSAMA BLAINE LADEN
The US of States rejoiced yesterday as it was unveiled that the tragic events of the 11th of September the 11th were in fact an illusion created by man of magic David Blaine. Over eight years after the event, Blaine called a news conference at the site of Ground Zero and, in an emotional and somewhat self involved speech, declared that he could now reveal his trick.
With quite literally a click of his fingers, 4000 illegally imported Mexicans pulled a giant cloth that had been covering the Twin Towers for some 97 months. ‘Wow! said one amazed onlooker. ‘I've literally walked past this site everyday for some eight years and never noticed that it was just a table cloth covering the buildings. The man's just incredible. If I wasnt so devoutly Jewish I'd say that he is the second coming of Jesus.' explained another, spitting burger.
Blaine went on to explain that the images of the planes crashing into the buildings and their eventual collapse were in fact just him miming the events in front of a Lego model of the towers.
As America rejoiced, so did the actor playing the part of Osama Bin Laden, Jed Ploothe. After nearly eleven years wandering some of the harshest terrains known to man, could finally go back to live with his parents in Swansea and reclaim his job as a postal clerk, just in time for the Christmas strike.
Blaine closed the press conference with prayers for the 2,973 people that he had killed to make the illusion of the 11th of 9/11 September the 11th that more visceral.
YOUTH WASTED ON THE JUNG
A study by East Dunstable University has revealed that the majority of young people are damaging their physical and mental health by what has been coined as 'binge postulating'. The Government have issued a string of warnings against free thought, and even an expensive series of adverts depicting Marx, Heidegger and Socrates screaming Bing Crosby songs and throwing kittens off church roofs to try and dispel their 'cool' image.
Yet some youths maintain that they're just enjoying themselves, and after a long week at school drinking and smoking drugs they like to relax by 'challenging traditional axioms', 'injecting some Freud' and even 'chillaxing with Kant'.
QUACKS FOR QUACKERS
An error in recent government legislation has meant that all NHS hospitals will be closed down, and demolished, by September 2010. The hospital sites will be replaced with duck ponds of varying sizes, all to contain at least 40 ducks at any one time.
'This seemed ridiculous in the first place, but it's the next bit in this article that's the most outrageous' said Dr Pheltch. Indeed, all practicing medical staff must remain on site and treat people in the pond, actually in the pond. 'I'm not sure we're going to be able to provide the equipment for this to work. There's certainly not enough breathing apparatus for the female doctors. Or 'common lower nurses' as we call them'.
This monstrosity of a decision has come at just the wrong time for the Labour government, as a YouGov poll shows that the public's former largest concern, 'that thing Brown does with his mouth when he breathes in' has been overshadowed by 'grievous heart-stricken teary-eyed worry with general policy'.
GELDOFFER ME YOU HAIRY MAN
Constant whinger and tramp impersonator Bob 'I Don't Like Days' Geldof has been found guilty of breeding and eating children.
A small cellar was discovered by Paul David Hewson when he had been sent by Geldof to fetch some more hashish from the kitchen. 'I couldn't believe it', he said 'It was unbelievable.'
412 children of mixed origins and ages were found stockpiled in a pantry the size of a small garage. Some of the children at first denied any mistreatment, but later admitted after police torture that Geldof would enter the room shouting 'Give us your fucking mummy' before plucking several children from their makeshift beds and eating them raw.
Mr Geldof has been sentenced to 30 years in prison and is expected to serve at least 40.
ELEMENTARY MY DEAR DARLING - Special Report from Nonsense Correspondent James Rae
Alistair Darling defiantly married fictional character Sherlock Holmes yesterday after reporting that 'real people just don't do it for me'. Arthur Conan Doyle was unavailable for comment.
The US of States rejoiced yesterday as it was unveiled that the tragic events of the 11th of September the 11th were in fact an illusion created by man of magic David Blaine. Over eight years after the event, Blaine called a news conference at the site of Ground Zero and, in an emotional and somewhat self involved speech, declared that he could now reveal his trick.
With quite literally a click of his fingers, 4000 illegally imported Mexicans pulled a giant cloth that had been covering the Twin Towers for some 97 months. ‘Wow! said one amazed onlooker. ‘I've literally walked past this site everyday for some eight years and never noticed that it was just a table cloth covering the buildings. The man's just incredible. If I wasnt so devoutly Jewish I'd say that he is the second coming of Jesus.' explained another, spitting burger.
Blaine went on to explain that the images of the planes crashing into the buildings and their eventual collapse were in fact just him miming the events in front of a Lego model of the towers.
As America rejoiced, so did the actor playing the part of Osama Bin Laden, Jed Ploothe. After nearly eleven years wandering some of the harshest terrains known to man, could finally go back to live with his parents in Swansea and reclaim his job as a postal clerk, just in time for the Christmas strike.
Blaine closed the press conference with prayers for the 2,973 people that he had killed to make the illusion of the 11th of 9/11 September the 11th that more visceral.
YOUTH WASTED ON THE JUNG
A study by East Dunstable University has revealed that the majority of young people are damaging their physical and mental health by what has been coined as 'binge postulating'. The Government have issued a string of warnings against free thought, and even an expensive series of adverts depicting Marx, Heidegger and Socrates screaming Bing Crosby songs and throwing kittens off church roofs to try and dispel their 'cool' image.
Yet some youths maintain that they're just enjoying themselves, and after a long week at school drinking and smoking drugs they like to relax by 'challenging traditional axioms', 'injecting some Freud' and even 'chillaxing with Kant'.
QUACKS FOR QUACKERS
An error in recent government legislation has meant that all NHS hospitals will be closed down, and demolished, by September 2010. The hospital sites will be replaced with duck ponds of varying sizes, all to contain at least 40 ducks at any one time.
'This seemed ridiculous in the first place, but it's the next bit in this article that's the most outrageous' said Dr Pheltch. Indeed, all practicing medical staff must remain on site and treat people in the pond, actually in the pond. 'I'm not sure we're going to be able to provide the equipment for this to work. There's certainly not enough breathing apparatus for the female doctors. Or 'common lower nurses' as we call them'.
This monstrosity of a decision has come at just the wrong time for the Labour government, as a YouGov poll shows that the public's former largest concern, 'that thing Brown does with his mouth when he breathes in' has been overshadowed by 'grievous heart-stricken teary-eyed worry with general policy'.
GELDOFFER ME YOU HAIRY MAN
Constant whinger and tramp impersonator Bob 'I Don't Like Days' Geldof has been found guilty of breeding and eating children.
A small cellar was discovered by Paul David Hewson when he had been sent by Geldof to fetch some more hashish from the kitchen. 'I couldn't believe it', he said 'It was unbelievable.'
412 children of mixed origins and ages were found stockpiled in a pantry the size of a small garage. Some of the children at first denied any mistreatment, but later admitted after police torture that Geldof would enter the room shouting 'Give us your fucking mummy' before plucking several children from their makeshift beds and eating them raw.
Mr Geldof has been sentenced to 30 years in prison and is expected to serve at least 40.
ELEMENTARY MY DEAR DARLING - Special Report from Nonsense Correspondent James Rae
Alistair Darling defiantly married fictional character Sherlock Holmes yesterday after reporting that 'real people just don't do it for me'. Arthur Conan Doyle was unavailable for comment.
No comments:
Post a Comment